Published March 2, 2009
Thanks once again for tips on how to improve - I promise I'll stop bugging you all soon ;D I've chosen you as my little dwarf elders, but feel free to decline. Much obliged for your help! Also, the help from other people is much obliged too!
ThankYoooou, Serendipity x
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Okay, so I'm sitting in front of my computer on yet another networking site - the list is endless and I've joined them all. Now I've reached the point where you have to tell those prospective friends what you're all about. On this particular site, they call it your autobiography, which is all well and good but I feel like I'm not worthy enough for that. In my eyes, autobiographies are for people who have done something, made something of their lives; not for slightly overweight sixteen-year-olds with self-image issues.
But I sit there and think about what to write anyway. Something that will draw people in; more than my pictures, or my not so quirky profile background. I begin to type:
My name is Lizzee, and I'm ginger-
Hitting the backspace button, I wait until there's nothing more but the cursor winking in a rectangle of white. I often think of Lonely Hearts columns when I get to this stage - trying to write a short but fascinating paragraph that says; I'm intriguing, mysterious, captivating et cetera. I'm clearly more desperate than I thought to meet new people.
Now, we all know about the prowlers on the ‘Inter-Web’, as my Dad likes to call it. Well, these fiends are drawn to me. The moment of excitement that usually follows a notification for a friend request quickly evaporates when I see who it is. Middle-aged men, strangely enough from Turkey. The only middle-aged man I know in my life is my Dad – and I wish I could decline him with the touch of a button sometimes.
It's the same in real life - life is just one big networking site. Being at school you have all the cliques; the popular kids - we don't know why they were called this because they weren't that popular at all; everyone hated their guts. The geeks - glasses, greasy hair and not so bright; being clever at our school didn't damage your street cred. The norms - all those people who can fit into any group or no group, therefore forming a group of their own and finally the emo/goth/greebo/miscellaneous section. I was in the latter, although you couldn't tell by looking at me and if you asked me what a greebo is, I couldn’t tell you – mainly because I don’t know myself. It’s just one of those things.
The fact of it is, I have yet to go through my goth stage of life - I'm told everyone has one, apparently - and that I just tagged along with my friends while they moshed their way through most of our school years. A safe bet, seeing as though no-one really messed with the goths, although they did get some good verbal kicks in during those lunchtime periods - "Mosh mosh, get a wash." was by far my favorite. I’ve only ever moshed once in my entire life, at a Mindless Self Indulgence gig, but I think I’d call it escaping – fleeing the pit of flailing limbs and hair.
Now I'm in college, you don't see the clique structure as clearly. People really do blend into each other, apart from the goths, and they're more bizarre than ever. My friends and I have strayed away from that side of life for now, although I sometimes find myself occupying an empty classroom with them all and kind of enjoying it. So, in the end, on those much important networking sites, I tend to put something like this;
Lizzee, 16 and slightly mental. Likes to 'go with the flow' and get lost in a book. I'm a bit of a drifter, so don't bother adding me.
I can tell you now - reverse psychology never works.
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Canary word: Present
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140,854 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi Serendipity! Sorry I took so long to get to this one. Well, I can say that this was almost perfect. The theme was good, and the ending line was great. Now, everyone already took care of most of the kinks, but one thing I spotted.
That was worded strangely. The sentence structure was odd, but other wise, I couldn't see anything else. And it's confusing. Here, you say the MC is in college. But at the beginning and end, you mention that she's 16 years old. That is inconsistent, and quite strange.
Otherwise, I couldn't find anything with this. You did a great job on this one. If you have anything you need to ask, feel free to PM me.
Hey Serendipity! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, but I'm here now, so let's go, yeah?
Hope it helped! Again, sorry it took so long.
This is a tiny thing but I don't think I like the hyphen in your first line. It sort of stops the narrative, jars perhaps, and I think a semicolon would work better. It's up to you, of course.
I wait until there's nothing [s]more[/s] but ...Yeah, more is unnecessary there and even, probably, grammatically incorrect, so it needs to go.
fascinating paragraph that says; I'm intriguing, mysterious, The semicolon, I think, should be a full colon, otherwise it doesn't work. Or you could take it out altogether, but the semicolon is the wrong thing to use here.
we don't know why they were called this because they weren't that popular at all So true. Love this! Really, all your high school description is completely en point with mine too. ^^
Okay! So, I love your voice here: it's easy, flowing, and it fits the piece. It did seem like you got off-track a bit, when you went into the high school thing, and I was thinking, and where is this going? And then you tied it in at the end, which was good; it's all about squinching yourself into a few words and finding out about yourself, which is really all that high school is, but I'd suggest tying that bit in with the networking sites more, to reassure readers that yes, you do remember what you're talking about. Even something like but I can't type miscellaneous into my autobiography. That's bad. But something.
Otherwise, I think it was very good, and obviously polished. It would be wonderful as a personal essay.
-Mars
Hey, I'm back for one more round! Just a few more things I caught. Sorry I've taken so long to get back here. >_<;;
I think it would flow better if you said 'the Lonely Hearts column'. I don't know if that actually makes sense, but it seems like it would to me. A column of lonely hearts advertisements, right? Also, take out that semi-colon altogether and remember the comma after 'captivating'. The last sentence should probably be 'I'm clearly more desperate to meet new people than I thought.'
Alright, all the requests the character gets couldn't possibly be ALL from Turkey. Say 'mostly' from Turkey or something like that. Also, 'with the touch of a button' really breaks up the flow you have going and I don't know that you even need it, so I'd take it out!
This gets to be a really long, confusing sentence. Break it up please. ^_^ Probably should separate them at the 'and if' part. ^_^
Eck. I think this gets really too specific for the tone of voice you've been working on.
In fact, when I was rereading this from the beginning, I really admired the tone of voice, the voice of the character that you had going. It seemed great, perfect, and realistic, so little things like this that don't fit in really bother me. xP I'd just take this out, I think. -shrugs-
Again, let me know if you need more reviewing on ANYTHING! ^_^
-Hannah-
Hello! Need another elf? ^_^
Theme: A very interesting theme here, although I find it gets fuzzy in the middle. You're carrying the thread that school is like a networking site, but you're not transitioning well between the the school and computer world. Maybe add a bit more between the two?
Inconsistencies: This jumped right out at me. First you say your MC is 16, then that she's in college and finally she's back to sixteen. Who is she, anyway? That's part of the confusion in the middle. You don't really express your MC's group that well. Or other groups for that matter.
Punctuation: You're mixing semicolons with colons here, and you're missing a handful of commas. Here is a guide to punctuation.
Expand: I would take the time to really have fun with this. Go into detail about the groups, the metaphor for school being a networking site, the works. This would be better in the long run, since you have something really powerful here.... if it gets expanded a bit.
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Ello~ I'm here to review your work! *applause*
There weren't many nit-picks, and I apologize if this contradicts with other people's reviews, but here it goes:
I'm not sure about the semicolon here. Semicolons are used in place of a comma and bonysaf (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet) and I'm not sure whether it's misplaced or I'm just senile
The semicolon here is misused. "Semicolons are used in place of a comma and bonysaf (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet)" (don't you just love copy and paste?
You should take out the "we" because it kind of pushes us out of the story since it's no longer talking about the character. I don't think "Dad" needs to be capitalized because there is a "my" in front of it so dad isn't a proper noun because he is named as "my dad".
More general notes:
I really liked it. This is really an interesting piece and really does engage the reader. I do feel, however, that more could be done in an effort to allow the readers to really know what the narrator is feeling. Other than that, I really like your style and hope you continue to write interesting works like this.
-Lydia <3
Hello again, Miss Serendipity
This really has improved a lot from the very first version so kudos to you
I can safely say that there is nothing new that I have to say so yippee!
But as always if you have any questions or need anything feel free to PM me
Nice job!
-Carly
How can I decline when I'm on of those selected to be a little dwarf elder?
That's the best position one can reach! I've noticed some more things-
I think there should be a comma after button.
I'd maybe add something here about declining him at a click of a button instead of just declining
It should either be 'if you asked me what a greebo is, I couldn't tell you' or 'if you ask me what a greebo is, I can't tell you.'
I think their needs to be a comma after goths.
If you need anything PM me
I'm taking a much needed mental break from studying for my US History Final tomorrow to review this again
Thanks for the PM with the link, that's extra helpful!
*This entire sentence is pretty long, I'm thinking that you could put '-the list...them all-' in parenthesis and then have a new sentence at 'I've reached'. So it would be '...yet another networking site, (the list...them all). I've reached...'
*If you're so desperate to meet new people then why do you only add people you know? These two sentences contradict themselves.
Now are you emo, goth or greebo? I still don't know what that is
*This sounds a little clumsy to me. Maybe try something like 'the fact of the matter is', 'the truth is', 'the fact is'.
Wait.... you're 16 and in college
Nice improvement over the first (not like it was bad or anything
Again, if you have any questions or need anything, feel free to PM me!
-Carly
^_^ Well, I'm back for more. I do appreciate the changes you made and I especially like the section you added! To be honest, it's the most interesting and relevant part of this work to me, now. I mean, everyone deals with cliques {or most everyone}, and they've been described way too often. ^_^ I know that's probably not the point/message you're trying to get across with your piece, but if you wanted to take it in a different direction and focus on relating the whole rejection thing to different elements in life BEYOND just your father, I think that could be fun. ^_^
Just a few little things I caught:
Just those little changes.
Oh! I think the reason I find the first part of the piece more interesting than the second is because I don't really understand some parts in the second, for example the whole paragraph with 'mosh' in it... I'm at a loss -- I don't really know what you're talking about. xP
Which would be a good clique to explain if it is one then. =]
Good job! Let me know if you end up re-working it again.
-Hannah-
Hi me again!
I really like what you have added about the creepy middle aged guys- its actually so true as well 
I noticed a couple more things that I'll point out-
If you read this through with the dash bit taken out then its not quite right- I think you need to take out 'that' or 'that I'.
seen needs to be seeing I think
Thats it! I think this does really suit a magazine article- again, great job!
Hi! Here is the review I promised!
First up... I don't get what you are trying to achieve with this, is it just to tell us how you feel?
You say that you have fact and fiction. I presume that the fiction in here was your name? I think you shouldn't put that there, and just tell us that you will do a tonne of other topics.
Righty-ho then, on with the review:
Sat should be sitting.
You can just get rid of the 'and' here, I think you said it in the previous sentence, and it is unnecessary.
Okay, just to be especially nit-pickish, I'm going to point out that you haven't actually indicated a status - you said that you were writing an auto-biography. You should indicate the status, or re-word the sentence. (Oh, and just to tell you, you can spell autobiography like auto-biography too (: )
I just added in a semi-colon here.
Should be:
But I sit there and think about what to write anyway. Something that will draw people in; more than my pictures and my not so quirky profile background.
usually, in writing, people prefer to take the more formal approach and say etcetera, etcetera...
It sounds better this way, and 'etc,' is usually used in note-taking and when someone in a hurry. I have reason to believe that you aren't, as you are at home and typing this up on the computer.
Try something like this:
I drummer my fingers on the desk, tilting my head and fiddling with my left eyebrow. I soon gave up on this, and moved onto rubbing my eyes and massaging my nose. Not helping. came a frustrated voice in my head. I manged my fists on the oak desk in impatience, why do I torment myself like this?
Think... think! I racked my brain for any long and impressing word, finding nothing out of the billions of book I have read.
Okay... from these 4 sentences we can tell she is impatient, and likes violent action. She wants to get to the point and stop the gibber-jabbering.
See what I mean? I didn't need to describe the social pyramid at her school to tell you what she's like.
Try and describe it like this:
I watched painfully as the words wrote themselves on the screen. Each word and my 'lameness radar' kinked itself up another notch.
-Keep writing
Hi
I really loved this!! I have hardly anything that could be improved, I think you have it pretty much polished 
I'd add a dash after lives to seperate the next part a little.
This sounds a bit like you like rejecting friends in real life- do you mean easily geting rid of unwanted people? I think you might need a bit of explaining here.
I'd say life instead of time (just my prefernce
I'd add a comma or a dash after latter and add by before looking.
I think it should be Kick ins instead of Kicks in.
Really great ending sentence!
Overall: I can't really say anything to be improved on this, I found it really original and a joy to read
Welcome to the site Serendipity
After you're charming little introduction how could I not review
*: This isn't correct. You have a couple of options. 1. I'm sitting in front, 2. I'm in front.
I really liked that last sentence.
What's a greebo? I've never heard of that in my life
I liked this line too.
This was interesting. I've never really read anything like it before. It felt very real to me and I thought it was very well written.
If you have any questions or need anything feel free to PM me!
-Carly
Hi, there, Serendipity. ^_^ I was about to stop in and review this piece on my own anyways, so I'm glad you stopped by my review thread. I was also, in fact, just thinking about the possibility of writing something with this kind of theme, so this will be fun to read. ^_^
After reading it through once, I can't help wanting a bit of conflict. So far, this is all description. There is no plot to it. >_<;; I don't know if this was intentional, but it kind of disappoints to have no reward after all the time you took on description. A plot or conflict will only add to the quality of this first part. ^_^ I know it's meant to be a memoir, so I suppose that's an excuse, but it just leaves me feeling like something is missing. xP
Just some punctuation and sentence structure errors here. First of all 'status' refers to something you apply to yourself, or like a position of yourself, when 'autobiography' is simply a new name for a function/feature. You can just leave the end of that sentence vague and say 'I'm not worhty enough for that.' Then you'll need a comma after 'lives' and a 'for' after 'not', some hyphens between 'sixteen', 'year', and 'olds'. ^_^
Okay, this is slightly confusing. All this effort on networking sites and you'll only end up rejecting any offers of new friendships? If this is the way you want the story to go, I think you could make this piece stronger by putting this twist at the end! ^_^ Also, why isn't it that easy? That's how it goes -- you click decline, right? xP Clarify.
*cliques {Don't need an apostrophe.} Also... you might want to take some time to describe these groups more thoroughly? First of all, I don't get your description of the 'geeks' {mostly the second part of the sentence}. Also, are there really only three cliques at your school? Perhaps take a bit of time to stop on some of the others. ^_^
Fix up the punctuation here. xP You can probably just enclose that last part of the sentence in parentheses. =]
Overall, this is good and relevant, but you should try to add in a bit of conflict or a twist. I think the thing about declining at the end would be a better ending than saying that reverse psychology never works.